Reflections on a Year of Sobriety
The idealised version of my drinking.
I recently read The Unexpected Joy Of Being Sober by Catherine Gray, and was surprised the level of emotion it stirred up in me, after only a year it’s easy to forget the pain and struggle I put myself through for the whole of my adult life, the Catherine goes through story after story of anxiety producing situations during her addiction, from waking up in jail cells, continually losing control, consistently blacking out, waking up with a deep sense of shame and self-loathing. This brought me right back.
Why did I allow this to happen, why did I do this to myself, my soul, my self-worth, for so long. Something I often think about is the fact that if I weighed up the pros and con’s of my drinking at any time over the last 10 years I think the cons list would be far longer and more substantial than the pros, and I consider myself a driven, disciplined person. How did I trick myself into thinking this was OK? Was it pure chemical addiction, escapism, fear of how to deal with my restlessness and feelings of low self-worth. I think it’s something like a combination of all 3. For the last 3 years of my drinking, I poured so much energy into moderation, the illusion I told myself is that the little pros I get from drinking are too much to give up, my life would be missing something. I once heard Stevo from Jackass say "The worst thing would be to have alcoholism just bad enough that it really slows you down, destroys your potential, gets in the way, but it's not so bad that it has to stop. How many people do I know with just the years slipping through their fucking fingers and they're blowing it, just wasting everything."
I can relate to this in some degree, I think a lot of people can, that’s why moderation is such a popular discussion around high performing people, they are more than aware of the performance and wellness they are sacrificing for a moment of hedonism. Which is fine if it’s a conscious decision, but it snuck up on me and progressively got more in the way of what I truly wanted in life, now I just wish I caught it earlier.
The Positives I Used to Tell Myself
So, the positives as far as I can remember where, having an easy tool to wind down after a stressful day, although this often led to drinking too many and I would wake up feeling awful, tired and disappointed with myself, leading to more anxiety and more need to wind down the following day, so the cycle continued. This took a few months to go away after I got sober, it was about figuring out other methods to wind down, mine are exercising and meditation, also identifying the triggers before I hit burnout, so I don’t get into the headspace where I am overly wound up in the first place.
Date night with my wife, going out for a meal, one-on-one to an interesting restaurant, just her and I away from our busy lives/jobs/parenting duties for a night, sipping cocktails or a craft beer and remembering what it was like before our lives got so busy and chaotic. This was definitely the highlight of having a drink, however since sobriety our relationship has been stronger than ever, not once have I been so hungover I can’t get out of bed for a full day while leaving her to deal with the parenting duties alone, not once have I gone out for a dinner with friends and didn't come home until the morning hours blind, leaving my car out and not remembering how I got home, not once have I been the drunkest and an event and made a complete dick of myself.
A younger (unfit) me drinking in India!
Having a few drinks out with friends, catching up with old mates at a pub, remembering old times and laughing about current issues in our lives. This was truly a meaningful experience for me, however unfortunately a lot of the times it would not end how I wanted, the true fun point was 1 to 3 drinks, enough to just wind down and let loose in conversation, but I couldn't stop there, my wiring wouldn’t let me. As per the above problems this always ended in me taking it too far, and waking up in a pit of shame, feeling both physically and emotionally broken. The funny thing about this one is that the drinking didn’t actually add as much as I thought, I catch up with the same friends now and we have the same fun, laughter and conversation, however there are certain people I don’t see, where I found the relationship was based on drinking, and that’s fine. I find where life creates a vacuum, of friendships in this case, it often naturally fills it with new friends, I needed to free that space to be able to create room for new, deeper relationships, built on common interests and goals, not getting fucked up! I naturally gravitated deeper into the entrepreneur community, the fitness community and deepened the relationships with the friends that remained.
My type of alcoholism
One of the things that held me back from quitting was my view on what I thought alcoholism was, my view was the full-blown, waking up, drinking dawn till dusk, all day boozing, and this definitely wasn’t me, so how could I have a problem right? At least that’s what I told myself, I thought by admitting that I had a problem I was telling the world that I was that type of alcoholic, and not that there is any shame in that in the first place, for a person that is stuck in that cycle to admit it and deal with it is one of the strongest things someone can do, but unfortunately the majority of people with a problem won't admit it through fear of being seen as week, admitting to themselves that they have a problem, that they are broken, that this is something they need to deal with for the rest of their life (which is not always the case as sold in AA). The way I like to describe my problem is like this, I just don’t have an off switch, I was like a v8 with a brick on the accelerator and a key snapped off in the ignition. Whatever plans of moderation I had went out the window once I hit a tipping point and there was no turning back. If I was extremely intentional about my drinking on a particular night it took over my thoughts, the only way I could moderate was thinking about it at every second of the night, consuming my focus and attention. Then I would have enough to wind down, talk myself into “you deserve to relax”, “this time will be different”, then inevitably I would lose control, often risking everything including my life on regular occasions, and wake up with a deep sense of regret, fear, embarrassment, self-loathing, anxiety and from time to time suicidal thoughts.
First 90 days
Alcoholism is a solution to a problem, albeit one that tends to come with worse consequences then the original problem you are trying to solve. One of the issues that came very apparent to me in the first few weeks was how restless I was, I am unable to shut off, I usually run very high energy during the day, and I was using a drink to switch into relaxation mode. I found myself in these first few weeks not being able to sit still, I couldn't watch TV without feeling guilty and board, then I would get my laptop out and be too energetic and frustrated to get any work done, I felt anxious and fidgety, so this was the first thing I needed to fix to be able to succeed on my sobriety mission. I have always meditated casually and taken fitness reasonably seriously, but I needed to take these practices to the next level. Through trial and error, and being conscious about how I felt on a daily basis, it became fairly apparent that on the days where I meditated and trained, I just felt better, more calm, present, relaxed. And I could easily talk myself out of the chaos downward spiral that my restless mind would sometimes put me in, these two habits where so critical in the first few weeks. The other obvious one is just putting friction between me and having a drink, no beer in the house, and also, I needed to be very clear to anyone that would listen that I am not drinking and why, embrace that accountability. It’s also a good filter to figure out who you should be spending your time with, if you tell someone I quit drinking, I have a problem, and they are pressuring you to have a drink, get the fuck away from that person, permanently. These people are an impediment to sobriety, and being in their environment is a risk that’s just not worth taking, more friends will come, real friends that want the best for you. Note, this is only the case if you have the confidence to be upfront with your issue, if you’re not clear about what you are trying to do, then people won’t know they’re sabotaging it.
Three Months In
This is the point when things got easy, the decision was made, and the benefits of sobriety were as obvious as could be. I liked myself more, the shame that I usually felt had gone, I felt better physically and mentally than I had in 10 years, I had figured out a way to deal with the issues that I was solving with alcohol.
A year sober, exploring and adventuring with as much passion as ever!
This is the point where I really started reflecting on the 15-20 years prior of drinking, I was 13 when my friends and I started stealing alcohol from our parents, 16 when I started drinking heavily on weekends, and 18 when it got out of control. It took a few months of being completely free from the fog to actually take stock of the damage it had caused me over the years, and realise the freedom I now felt. Then as the months went on and on, I grew to never want to give up this sense of calm, and knowing that nothing was going to go wrong, well at least if it did I wasn’t the direct cause of it. I also started to feel like Neo in the Matrix, you know the scene where he realises he’s “The One”, and capable of anything, after building a business with a ball and chain tied to my ankle and my hands cuffed behind my back, being sober made everything just feel smooth and easy, like I had been running with a weight vest on all of my business life. My mental clarity, my ability to have hard conversations without being rattled by anxiety, my energy levels, my influential speaking skills, all of these got increasingly better without even trying. My meditation practice and fitness have been on point, hitting daily habits effortlessly that I had been trying to form for years. My relationship with my wife and kids is now closer than I ever thought possible. How can I go back after seeing the other side, how green the grass really is. The freedom, the quality of life, the productivity, the inner peace.
I don’t want to get preachy in any way, but all I will say is if you ever find yourself thinking, “do I have a drinking problem”. Whether the answer is yes or no, if you are asking yourself that question, I can almost guarantee your life will be better on the other side.
Luke Biermann, Curious AF
